Interlude, back home

So, time for some hardcore airport writing..

I’m in between two worlds, two wonderful worlds. I am on my way from my new home in Bali to my home in the Netherlands. This is my 3th transfer, I left Ubud 30 hours ago. The 2nd transfer was a tricky one. As usual I was almost late for my flight. My mind is in such a relaxing vibe that I am not preparing at all. So during my 5 months of traveling, I arrived late at almost every flight but luckily every time just in time. It was because I didn’t check the bus schedule before leaving the hostel, because I was at the wrong airport, or at the wrong terminal or I had a flat tire and didn’t scheduled in some extra time.

It is interesting how much is changing already. The frequency of the messages from the Netherlands is increasing while the messages from Bali are decreasing. My facebook messenger is getting quieter after a bunch of warm goodbyes, while my ‘what’s app’ is getting busier. My dear Dutch friends and family are keeping up with my flight schedule, giving me updates about the weather and sharing their agenda’s to make sure they can meet me soon.

We, human beings are masters in adapting; the physical environment around us becomes our habitat, our world. The knowledge that there is another world where you belong is always there but seems to fade away at the same time. The awareness is somewhere in the background but the main and maybe even highest priority is the world we physical live in. That is where we have to survive, so that’s where we focus on.

The beauty of being a solo traveler, mostly among other travelers or expats, is the need to create a family feeling. So in no time strangers become your family with whom you share a lot. The feeling of connection goes deeper than I ever felt, I think that is our survival instinct. We need people among us so our unconsciousness attaches quicker than it does in a world where we already have a steady pack of people around us. The feeling is more intense because the lack of time, we need to build something quick so our minds and bodies feel intensely to speed up the process of attachment.

It is amazing how I seem to be able to build a life in a few months. To explore a whole new part of me, experience a different state of mind. I haven’t changed a bit, same old me but I guess I have lost a lot of insecurities by proving myself to be more worth than I knew. I return to the Netherlands with a plan for my future and the knowledge that I am not made to stick around. I found old dreams back which I lost years ago. I found the inspiration and motivation to chase these dreams only by pursuing my greatest dream and facing the fears that came with that dream. Traveling solo to Asia, something I have always wanted to do, gave me the guts to chase more dreams. I am growing to be the best I can be and maybe finally I can find some peace of mind with who I am.

So here I am, having a transit in Greece where I have to wait all day. I could go and explore the city but I don’t feel like it. I need time to adjust, to let go of Ubud and prepare for the Netherlands. The funny thing is, I am going to live more the backpacking life at home than I did in Ubud. I will stay with my parents and friends so I can save more money to leave again in a few months. I feel bad, to be honest I don’t  look forward to go back home, I am even nervous to go home. I just left paradise, wonderful nature, intense feelings, beautiful people and the best of all, the feeling of freedom because there are no expectations. I know that once I am back in the Netherlands I will be so happy to see and hold my people, but all I can feel now is the loss of something I was not ready to loose yet. Beside that, the mindsate and way of living in Indonesia fits me well, I felt in balance, no bullshit, no stress.

There are amazing, beautiful people waiting for me at home but there are also a lot of expectations and responsibilities. I guess love and expectations go hand in hand. Maybe the expectations are only in my head, so the challenge is to keep my balance, not answering the expectations, either mine or theirs.

So, how will I feel when I am back? I know I will adjust quickly which brings the fear to loose again what I gained. Will I be able to hold on to what I found, to that what brings me happiness? Or am I adjusting back to the life I once lived, not getting all out of myself? Will I be able to keep the mindstate I’ve found, the peace of mind in the stressful Netherlands? Interesting questions, which only time will learn.

Whatever will be, one thing is for sure, it will teach me a lot.

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