Home sweet home

I’ve been home for a week now. It’s cold in the Netherlands.. When I started writing the first words, I switched from English to Dutch, back to English That’s how quickly we adapt to our mother language. All the other things are more difficult to adapt to. There is also a little girl inside of me who, very stubborn, does not agree to accept the change. It all feels weird, I am in conflict with myself.

My friends and family surprised me at the airport. So beautiful but a bit weird. First, it feels like I have been gone for 3 weeks so it didn’t make much sense somehow. I didn’t know how to feel, how to react. It felt uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. The people I love so much, I really appreciated their presence. But the switch was too big, I couldn’t get used to and accept the fact that I was in Amsterdam. So we went for a cigarette and enjoyed a coffee together, it calmed me down so I could enjoy a warm homecoming.

I miss Bali, I miss everything she gave me. My heart is still there and refuses to come back to me. I miss not only my life on Bali, I miss the traveling, the freedom. Even when you stay a while in one place, it is one big travel, one big adventure. The freedom that comes with that is addictive, like a drug.

The beauty of my life here, and it feels strange to say this, is that I don’t have my own house. My life is still an adventure, staying in different homes with my family and friends. Hopping around with my backpack, living day by day. I have to work soon, go and get some shit done but even than it is nice to live in so many places. I am so lucky to have all these beautiful people in my life here who offer me a home and people give me all the space to find my way.

The conflict I am experiencing is the fact that I am happy and blessed that I have been on this journey the last 5 months and have a warm home to return to. I have seen so many amazing things, felt so deeply, learned so much and met many lovely people. But the thing is, I don’t feel it.  I love my life here, I love my people but my basic mood is not that happy. I have learned that ‘should be’ an illusion is but still I have to say it,’ I should be happy’.  I am accepting the fact that I don’t feel good and trust on the fact that this will change. I just need my time and space for that.

The feeling I am most experiencing is sadness, a cloud is blurring my vision, it makes me see things different. During the day I am experiencing moments of sadness, which I accept, experience and let go. These days I am staying with my sister with her husband and their little girls. With 5 layers of clothing I am hiding from te world for now. They cheer me up, helping me to let go. They give me a warm home where I can be who I am, how I feel. It all needs some time and attention which I can give it here. My brain is filled with another world, I need to sort it out and place it somewhere safe.

Sometimes when the sadness is gone, I feel so strong. Strong and free. I feel free, free from social norms, rules, attachment and expectations. Free from assumptions, in peace, satisfied with the choices I made the last years.

Going home just before Christmas is not relaxed, the most stressful time of the year for people. Everything is overwhelming because I have missed the psychological warfare before Christmas. The stores, media and even family starts preparing, indoctrinating and even manipulating us somewhere around October. Slowly you get used to the extreme capitalistic Christmas hype, it slowly sneaks up on us. Now I have been dropped in the middle of it. From palm trees, rice fields, sunshine and a calm, relaxing vibe to Chrismas lights, Christmas  commercials, Christmas music, Santa and reindeers everywhere. Holy shit..

It is cold and dark, when I wake up at 8 a.m. it is still dark. It gets dark around 5 p.m. so my time schedule is messed up, I miss the sun. I miss my people..

Interlude, back home

So, time for some hardcore airport writing..

I’m in between two worlds, two wonderful worlds. I am on my way from my new home in Bali to my home in the Netherlands. This is my 3th transfer, I left Ubud 30 hours ago. The 2nd transfer was a tricky one. As usual I was almost late for my flight. My mind is in such a relaxing vibe that I am not preparing at all. So during my 5 months of traveling, I arrived late at almost every flight but luckily every time just in time. It was because I didn’t check the bus schedule before leaving the hostel, because I was at the wrong airport, or at the wrong terminal or I had a flat tire and didn’t scheduled in some extra time.

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My guitar journal chapter 2

It is now already 2 months ago that I bought my guitar. For 2 months I have been practicing everyday. Through good times and bad.

I am still motivated to learn. I am also still on Bali where I get inspired everyday thanks to all the wonderfull musicians around me.

I have my ups and downs, some days I don’t feel motivated or I just don’t know what I should do. I still try to play on those days but only for a short while, doing some finger gymnastics for example. Some days I feel really motivated and can practice for hours. Other days I feel inspired but the music can not come out the way it sounds in my head or heart, because of the lack of skill, that can be very frustrating.

I still feel terrible embarresed to play in public, only with some people I dare to. I went to Thailand for a week, and took my guitar with me. The first nights I stayed in a hostel, so I did not play because I feel stupid when I play around people. Then I booked my own room in Koh Chang, a beautiful island. The minute I walked in my room, I grabbed my guitar. I liked the fact that I felt this need so bad, I’m starting to get attached with this beautiful instrument.

Sometimes I feel lost because I don’t have one teacher and I am not following a program. So on advice of a friend I am trying to make my own program, work step by step. The good thing of not having a teacher, I can stick to what I like and I do it only for me. I need to kick my own ass when I don’t feel like playing.

I feel progress but it does not go fast enough to be content about it. I still loose faith every now and than but it gets less and less. I can believe a bit more that I will be able to play the guitar.

In about 2 weeks I am flying back home. It scares me because at home I don’t have people around me who play music every day. So I made a deal with my friend, when I am back on Bali in april, we are going to do an open mic together. So I have a good motivator to practice.

So the next time I write a chapter, we will all know what happens, how it continues at home.

Reflections

I left my home in July with a one way ticket to Bali for an unknown time. I have been traveling for almost 4 months now in and around Indonesia. I’m looking back to overview these beautiful months. I have been in so many beautiful places, I have done so many amazing things and I’ve had the honor to meet lovely people. It made me a richer woman and I think it made me a different woman, well maybe I should say a better version of me. A woman who is able to conquer her fears, who puts less value to others opinions, who learned to listen to her heart and trust her instincts. I would love to share my reflections on this.

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My guitar journal

‘When your music comes out, it doesn’t belong to you anymore. It belongs to the world in it’s own spiritual journey’ – Adien Fazmail

Today I am celebrating my one month guitar anniversary, yaaayy!

My friend and teacher asked me to keep a journal and, obedient as I am, I did. Because today it is one month ago that I bought my guitar, I figured today is the perfect day to post it. And we finally have some sun here in Bali after days of rain which makes me want to get naked and throw all my cards on the table. So here it is my beautiful and sometimes frustrating journey. Please be gentle with me, I am showing some vulnerability here..

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Is love an illusion?

This week I went for lunch with my lovely Ubudian/French friend Malu. We were talking about love, actually about the definition of love and how there are differences in perspective and expression because of the different levels. One of the questions that entered the revue was the one if love is maybe an illusion. This made an interesting conversation for which I would love to invite you. Because it was a couple of days ago the last days brought my mind ahead on the topic so this is the extended version, lucky you.. I am waiting for your thoughts on this. Continue reading “Is love an illusion?”

Aren’t we all loners?

‘ Our mind is a beautiful thing, but we should learn to be it’s master, not it’s slave. It is not who we are, it is our most precious instrument.’

I was reading an article about people who like to be alone and I got inspired by it.  I guess I can place myself in that category, although I don’t really like to put people in boxes. Reading this article where they are talking about certain personality traits gives me the impression that they are assuming it is something something you just are. It made me look back and reflect on what made me appreciate my alone time as much as I do. What made me such a loner?

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Ubud, the burning heart of Bali

‘All those who love Nature she loves in return, and will richly reward, not perhaps with the good things, as they are commonly called, but with the best things of this world-not with money and titles, horses and carriages, but with bright and happy thoughts, contentment and peace of mind.’

John Lubbock

The place I fell in love with two months ago. Actually, every part of Bali stole my heart but Ubud is something special, there is magic going on in Ubud. You’re probably wondering what it is that I find so special about this place, well I’m happy to tell you. I will not give you the tourist information, Google knows everything about that. I would like to tell you about my point of view and what Ubud is giving me.

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