I’ve been home for a week now. It’s cold in the Netherlands.. When I started writing the first words, I switched from English to Dutch, back to English That’s how quickly we adapt to our mother language. All the other things are more difficult to adapt to. There is also a little girl inside of me who, very stubborn, does not agree to accept the change. It all feels weird, I am in conflict with myself.
My friends and family surprised me at the airport. So beautiful but a bit weird. First, it feels like I have been gone for 3 weeks so it didn’t make much sense somehow. I didn’t know how to feel, how to react. It felt uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. The people I love so much, I really appreciated their presence. But the switch was too big, I couldn’t get used to and accept the fact that I was in Amsterdam. So we went for a cigarette and enjoyed a coffee together, it calmed me down so I could enjoy a warm homecoming.
I miss Bali, I miss everything she gave me. My heart is still there and refuses to come back to me. I miss not only my life on Bali, I miss the traveling, the freedom. Even when you stay a while in one place, it is one big travel, one big adventure. The freedom that comes with that is addictive, like a drug.
The beauty of my life here, and it feels strange to say this, is that I don’t have my own house. My life is still an adventure, staying in different homes with my family and friends. Hopping around with my backpack, living day by day. I have to work soon, go and get some shit done but even than it is nice to live in so many places. I am so lucky to have all these beautiful people in my life here who offer me a home and people give me all the space to find my way.
The conflict I am experiencing is the fact that I am happy and blessed that I have been on this journey the last 5 months and have a warm home to return to. I have seen so many amazing things, felt so deeply, learned so much and met many lovely people. But the thing is, I don’t feel it. I love my life here, I love my people but my basic mood is not that happy. I have learned that ‘should be’ an illusion is but still I have to say it,’ I should be happy’. I am accepting the fact that I don’t feel good and trust on the fact that this will change. I just need my time and space for that.
The feeling I am most experiencing is sadness, a cloud is blurring my vision, it makes me see things different. During the day I am experiencing moments of sadness, which I accept, experience and let go. These days I am staying with my sister with her husband and their little girls. With 5 layers of clothing I am hiding from te world for now. They cheer me up, helping me to let go. They give me a warm home where I can be who I am, how I feel. It all needs some time and attention which I can give it here. My brain is filled with another world, I need to sort it out and place it somewhere safe.
Sometimes when the sadness is gone, I feel so strong. Strong and free. I feel free, free from social norms, rules, attachment and expectations. Free from assumptions, in peace, satisfied with the choices I made the last years.
Going home just before Christmas is not relaxed, the most stressful time of the year for people. Everything is overwhelming because I have missed the psychological warfare before Christmas. The stores, media and even family starts preparing, indoctrinating and even manipulating us somewhere around October. Slowly you get used to the extreme capitalistic Christmas hype, it slowly sneaks up on us. Now I have been dropped in the middle of it. From palm trees, rice fields, sunshine and a calm, relaxing vibe to Chrismas lights, Christmas commercials, Christmas music, Santa and reindeers everywhere. Holy shit..
It is cold and dark, when I wake up at 8 a.m. it is still dark. It gets dark around 5 p.m. so my time schedule is messed up, I miss the sun. I miss my people..